Hi. Sorry I put you through this. I just couldn't deal anymore. I needed more than I got, wanted more than I would receive. My life wasn't bad exactly, but I made it bad for some reason. Not sure why. Maybe I thought I wasn't worth it. I definitely gave up hope that it would ever be good.
I would have done this a long time ago, saving you all a lot of grief, but I just was too afraid of pain, terrified of trying and failing, as I did with so many other things. I can't connect with you. Even when I do I find ways to make that go away. Invent reasons to invalidate and erase any and all good.
I guess I just really don't want to live, don't want to be happy. I guess I don't know how. I hate myself in such a deep, twisted way that I feel I will never climb out of that hole. No ray of sunshine, no hope, no tender words will ever get me to come back from the ledge. So, what's the point?
I'll just look to any and all of you for validation, then invalidate any and all responses until I get the answer I'm looking for. You've got to just do it, Kurt. Just kill yourself and be done with it. Even this note you're writing is just some sad, pathetic excuse to elicit an emotional response from someone. Anyone.
But it doesn't matter. Nothing will get better. You'll never get help. That's all.
I'm going to walk around until I finish this pack of cigarettes and then find some way to end my life. I've contacted those I felt who would help sway my decision. Probably did it after midnight on a Wed night just so no one would contact me. Fuck it.
I'm out. I love you, those I loved. I hate you, those I hated. None of it matters anymore as life will continue on without me. Don't bother shedding a tear, this is what I wanted. It was only a matter of time.
I guess that's it. I texted those that mattered with whatever I had left to say. Not much, really. Now, it's just a matter of going through with it and not waking up tomorrow to do this all again. It's been real people.
Be nicer to each other.