My Suicide Note

Hi. Sorry I put you through this. I just couldn't deal anymore. I needed more than I got, wanted more than I would receive. My life wasn't bad exactly, but I made it bad for some reason. Not sure why. Maybe I thought I wasn't worth it. I definitely gave up hope that it would ever be good.

I would have done this a long time ago, saving you all a lot of grief, but I just was too afraid of pain, terrified of trying and failing, as I did with so many other things. I can't connect with you. Even when I do I find ways to make that go away. Invent reasons to invalidate and erase any and all good.

I guess I just really don't want to live, don't want to be happy. I guess I don't know how. I hate myself in such a deep, twisted way that I feel I will never climb out of that hole. No ray of sunshine, no hope, no tender words will ever get me to come back from the ledge. So, what's the point?

I'll just look to any and all of you for validation, then invalidate any and all responses until I get the answer I'm looking for. You've got to just do it, Kurt. Just kill yourself and be done with it. Even this note you're writing is just some sad, pathetic excuse to elicit an emotional response from someone. Anyone.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing will get better. You'll never get help. That's all.

I'm going to walk around until I finish this pack of cigarettes and then find some way to end my life. I've contacted those I felt who would help sway my decision. Probably did it after midnight on a Wed night just so no one would contact me. Fuck it.

I'm out. I love you, those I loved. I hate you, those I hated. None of it matters anymore as life will continue on without me. Don't bother shedding a tear, this is what I wanted. It was only a matter of time.

I guess that's it. I texted those that mattered with whatever I had left to say. Not much, really. Now, it's just a matter of going through with it and not waking up tomorrow to do this all again. It's been real people.

Be nicer to each other.

Love,

K

The New World: Order (Day 1)

Today is the first day of my life. A life without co-dependent behavior, without passive aggressive abuse, without anxiety and indecision. I am moving forward and this will be my daily writing that chronicles my rise to power.

I slept on the floor of my new sublet up in Harlem. It hurt. I have bruises on my hips but slept decent. Didn't hurt that I was exhausted and passed out around 6am after hanging out at McGarry's on 9th & 33rd with co-workers last night. A quick, gorgeous taxi ride up the west side highway at dawn was a great way to kick it off.

So I woke up and tweeted a shopping list of essentials. I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond, swallowed my anxiety (both of shopping and crowds) and bought an inflatable mattress, dark blue sheets, a pillow, and a dark blue towel. Later I'll grab some soap, toothpaste and toilet paper from Duane Reade. And most likely a fan from Rite Aid asap.

Right now I'm back at McGarry's to have a beer and a chicken sandwich before work. I figured now was a good time to kick this thing off. Take stock of my life as it is, and where it needs to go. There is so much to get done and I've already wasted too much time getting my act together.

It's a day past July 4th, Independence Day, and I am no longer living with an ex that made my life miserable. We tried endlessly to make it work but every time I'd fall apart, somehow lose control of my emotional capabilities and freak the fuck out. She's leaving for her parents' house in Pennsylvania today with the help of her new boyfriend.

My worldly possessions (VHS tapes, bootleg Asian movies, and a ton of comic books) are now in storage outside the Brooklyn Navy Yards. Boston Scott, my true hetero-soulmate and writing partner, has given up his life of danger as a Florida policeman to be a park ranger back up in Massachusetts.

The plan is to live in this sublet until mid-August when we celebrate Reilly Brown's birthday down on the Jersey Shore, then I head back up to Mass with Boston to spend a week there relaxing and scoping out the area. I'm not 100% ready to give up living here but I am entertaining the notion.

Then hopefully I'll have somewhere to live by September 1st, or at least some places to crash. By then I should be stripped down enough to truly live mobile. In the meantime I really need to focus on what needs to happen self-improvement-wise. But I'll get to that.

As for today, I've gotten the basics done, I'll head to work and hit up the gym afterwards, then go back uptown and sleep in my first (pseudo) real bed that I've ever bought for myself.

Today's Song: You & me, and all of the people...

Today's Project: Finish Tower of Brahma Chapter 63 pt.II

Today's Picture: I have no idea but there were a lot of bees around it, on 22nd by 7th.

K